Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: August 2009

The countdown to Autumn 2009 has begun! The past few evenings have been crisp, cool and have smelled like bonfires. It is wonderful. You know how people get in the spring? You know, all happy and full of life? That is how I get in the fall. I become an obnoxiously happy, festival going, party planning fall dork. This year will be absolutely no exception.

I’m looking forward to seeing how Ohio looks like with fall foliage. I bet Shaker Heights will be awesome. There are so many gorgeous, huge trees surrounding the gorgeous, huge houses. I foresee myself running around the neighborhoods more – picking out my future mansions under a rain fall of brown leaves. Can’t wait. Hope it is good. VA has spoiled me.

161747161802

Advertisements

There is a big storm coming in tonight. I love listening to the rain and thunder. I hope there is a lot of thunder.

It is the end of Wednesday. I was going to go to Parkside Church’s career class tonight. I keep missing it. Every Wednesday I either work through the class or completely forget that it is scheduled. I hate that. I really do think that it will be a wonderful resource for meeting new people and will help me get settled in Cleveland. I just need to go. I think I am not making it a priority because I am afraid. I need to just go and be assertive and make friends but it is really scary starting over. There is always next week.

I work a 3-11 shift tomorrow. I think I will be floating again to J71. My poor preceptor is dealing with some family stuff so I am having to work with various other preceptors. I think it is a good thing, it keeps me on my toes. The thought of being on my own definitely terrifies me. It is coming so soon. I still have so many questions. I am getting there, slowly but surely. Working for the Clinic is a wonderful opportunity. I do feel pressure being at the #1 heart hospital. I feel as if I should be perfect because if I mess up it seems (to me) to be a million times worse than if I would have been dumb looking at another hospital. Everyone expects perfection and efficiency and, try as I might, I cannot always give that to them. I am trying so hard to get everything right. I just have to keep studying and keep learning as much as I can everyday.

I picked up the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan today. I really like it so far. I have also been reading a daily devotional by Spurgeon. He’s a cool guy. It is strange to read regular books again. After the NCLEX I didn’t want to look at another book for months. I would begin to look at text on a page and everything would go double and I’d kind of glaze over. I am slowly getting back into reading again. I want the Kindle but it is so expensive! I wonder if it will ever come down in price or if they will just raise the price with a new version? It’s so cool!

Alright, I’m so sleepy…don’t know why I am rambling on so. I end with this:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

My life has become a series of lessons. It seems every moment of every day is spent learning a new hard truth. I am becoming more used to it though. It was difficult for a while.

I felt completely lost no matter where I was. Work, home, the grocery store. Totally lost. Not only did I feel lost but I felt fear, anger, sadness, and like a complete and total failure. Why had I moved to freaking Ohio? There had been so many mistakes, misinterpretations. I was unsure about what to do next.

Really, I did know what I needed. It seemed pretty crazy to jump into a car and run to the mountains like I had done thousands of times before but that’s what seemed right so I went for it. I am so glad I did. I spent less than 24 hours in Virgina, but I was taken care of by sweet angels.

I rolled into Lynchburg at 7:30 pm to meet Ben who was standing outside waiting for me. I burst into tears and jumped out of the car and hugged him so tight. It was refreshing to be back in my old apartment, though it could not look any different than it did when I lived there. I am glad that I got to leave that place because there were tough times there, though it brought me a lot of joy. After a dinner at La Carreta and a meet up with Vegan, I settled down with Ben at the Radtke’s and we sat a talked like it was old times. They were so kind to stay up late with me though they had work early the next morning. Their friendship is so precious and I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. The next morning I went to the mountains for an hour or two then took back roads up to West Virginia then on home.

It was a simple trip – spur of the moment – but I do believe it is what helped me turn a corner. I had to step back and get back to what I know. While I was sitting in that room with Michelle, Jake and Ben, I felt like the person that I am – the person that I want to be. It is there somewhere. There was a lot of junk that kept my mind foggy. New job, new house, new town, NCLEX residual – all this was weighing me down. I thought a lot on the way home and decided to change the way I had been thinking. I have already seen a huge difference. The hard lessons keep coming, but I am handling things a lot better now. I am so thankful for that opportunity to go back to the mountains. I feel they will be a safe harbor for many years.